Tuesday, January 5, 2010


That was Monica Mingo's status on Facebook the other day and I love it. It's what I'm doing in 2010. Being more Vain. Loving myself more, Doing for myself more. Appreciating myself more. I have neglected myself long enough.

Sounds good right? Hard to do after years and years of neglect. But I'm getting there. So far I've been wearing makeup everyday trying to be more pretty. Taking more time in picking out what I wear everyday. The one obstacle I haven't begun is exercise.

Tonight I came home depressed. Sometimes I just get so tired of my life in its current state. It's boring!!! For the most part doing the week, I don't do anything else except go to work and come home and that's it. I'm tired of that. I mean I want to go somewhere sometime, ya know. I just get so tired so easily these days and all I want to do is come home and get in the bed.

I need to move around more. I am spending too much time in this bed watching television. I have stopped drinking sodas and I'm drinking mostly water. When I want something sweet I drink tea. I need to get me some straws though because this water is too cold. LOL

My husband spoils me and I know he means well but he knows when I am sad that food makes me happy and he gets it for me everytime. He just wants me to be happy but I have to find happiness somewhere else other than with food. UGH!

This is just so much pressure. I'm exhausted. Tired of trying to lose weight and tired of being overweight. I watched Biggest Loser tonight and it was pretty good. They damn near kill those people on there. LOL I could never bare myself like that for the whole world to see. Never! Then I find out that several contestants have gained all their weight back. I figure if you did all that work to lose it, there is no way you can gain it back...WRONG!

I guess it goes to show that you have heal that which is inside of you that is causing you to be fat. It's more than just weight. It's emotions, feelings, hurts, pains inside of you that is showing up in your weight. The weight is just a manifestation of being broken. I know I'm broken but I don't know why. I'm scared to face the why. I've been wanting to go to a counselor or something for a while now but have punked out. It's time to figure out whats wrong with me. To figure out why I allowed this weight to come on me and never leave me.

I am at the highest weight now that I have ever been my entire life. I don't know my weight because I'm afraid of the number. I plan to join Weight Watchers this week so soon I will know the number. Then What? Who knows? But something had to change. Everything has to change.

I want to live, not just to be alive. I want to feel alive. Well until next time.....

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